One Day at a Time
by penniless1
Summary: What happens on those few days between the Florian Triangle and Shabondy Archipelago, when there are no battles? A few insights into the typical Straw-hat day. Language warnings and sexual references, because these are pirates, not saints.
1. Quirks

Notes: I do not own "One Piece," a most awesome creation of Oda Eiichiro. I am, however, officially infatuated with this series, and need to get this mess of stories out of my head before I can go back to my own work. Let the short stories begin!

Title: Minor quirks aside, a typical day on the Thousand Sunny.

Summary: Part of being the most fearsome crew on the ocean was the ability to get used to various...quirks, to say the least.

* * *

Luffy knew for a fact that it wasn't always his fault.

"Who is the shit-head that fucking well ate the goddamn leftovers I put in the fridge last night?" bellowed the galley - well, Sanji, to be exact, but the ship's kitchen was so much his domain that it may as well have been the room roaring.

Luffy ducked, and turned swiftly to avoid the fancy dress shoe that had just left an impressively large footprint in the ship's railing.

"It wasn't me, I swear! Dammit, I don't even have the code to the lock! Ah, water!"

Luffy barely shot his arm out in time to avoid the ocean, briefly wetting one ear before he bounced back up.

And into the sky.

"Air Force Power Shoot!"

"For fuck's sake, you idiot dartboard cook, now we have to fish his ass out."

* * *

Luffy flew for a while, his expression vacant while he remembered a night on the Going Merry, just after leaving Skypeia.

He had been out of bed, looking for food, as expected. The lantern in the galley had been lit, plainly seen by the soft light glow under the door. Even without a cloud of nicotine vapors billowing from the room, Luffy knew the cook was awake. Changing plans, he lay low to the deck. He would have to watch Sanji go to bed before raiding the fridge.

He had cracked the door open, rubber eyes peeking around the corners carefully, finally locking onto Sanji's shadowed form at the table. The cook was hunched over the table, doing something. Luffy squeezed his head through the door, and craned his neck over the table to see what his crewmate was trying to hide.

But Sanji was just devouring the leftovers, meticulously chewing every morsel before swallowing, even licking any residue off of the plates. It looked like he was enjoying himself, given that his eyes were closed. Luffy pouted as he thought of the cook finishing off all the good food without even sharing.

Then the blond man snored. A small snot bubble burst, then reappeared.

'He isn't awake?' thought Luffy. 'That is so cool!'

Sleeping Sanji got up, completely ignoring Luffy's head as it followed him to the sink, where the plate was washed up, dried, and stored. Luffy ignored the beads of sweat hitting the floor as he watched the chef tidy the kitchen.

'Even in his sleep he doesn't leave a mess.'

"Ack!" Luffy cried, as the door flew open. He covered his mouth with his hands and dove off of the railing onto the deck below. Just because Sanji was sleep-walking didn't mean that the captain wouldn't get a swift kick overboard if he was caught near the galley. Ignoring the splinter attempting to gouge out his eye, Luffy listened to Sanji's footsteps as they receded to the men's quarters.

'I am so going to learn that trick!' he thought sagely. 'Think of all the meals I can eat while Chopper's got me on bed rest!'

* * *

"Oh well, whatever keeps Sanji fed," Luffy decided, holding onto his hat as a boat came into view. It was the Mini Merry, with Sanji steering it, cigarette ablaze, toilet mouth working. There wasn't even a bat of his blond eyelashes as his captain descended onto the tiny vessel, just a deep-seated need to get back in his sanctuary and start breakfast for his nakama.

* * *

"Nami-swaaaaaaaan!"

"Oi, Nami!"

"Hn?" responded the orange lump laying on the writing desk.

Usopp's nose poked her ear uncomfortably.

"Please tell me that you two idiots have a good reason for annoying me this early?"

"Nami, it's just after dawn, which means that Sanji needs to cook breakfast, and I'm off duty."

Raising her head, Nami's bleary eyes managed to convey unabated hatred, particularly if you ignored the ink stains and pieces of parchment stuck to the corner of her mouth.

"And this means what to me?"

She didn't even blink as a foot crushed Usopp's face into the wall behind her.

"Shut your piehole, long-nose. What he means, Nami-san, is that we need our keys, pretty please?"

Nami blinked, then felt around in her cleavage, a sight that left Usopp nonchalantly holding up Sanji, who appeared to have died of blood loss.

"How do these things keep randomly popping up here?" Nami mused out loud, throwing a number of small keys, objects, and wallets onto the desk. "Anyway, here you go. I'm in bed till noon, so no breakfast for me, Sanji."

"Hai! Oi, nagaking, let's go."

"Oh why don't you just go bake a cake or something? Nami, hand it back."

"Hrm? Oh this pouch? Here you go."

Nami lurched out of the library, and headed sleepily up to the bathroom.

"Think she'll ever stop that? Does she even know when she does it anymore?"

Sanji exhaled, and turned to the ladder that lead to his kitchen.

"Nope, but this stuff is probably safer with her anyway. By the way, it's mushroom rice for your ass tonight."

"It's a shark in the tank for your precious tuna."

* * *

It was a complete coincidence that Zoro was in the library looking up new exercise routines (with Luffy on his back as added weight) when Nami shrieked. The piercing noise was followed by several thumps and a groan, as she landed in the middle of the library in a crumpled heap.

Zoro's eyes were wider than saucers as he threw Luffy off his back and went over to her.

"Oi, Nami. Oi, Nami. Nami!" he cried, shaking her shoulders roughly with each call of her name.

"Nm...ow..."

Zoro scooped her up in his arms, and flew down the back passages of the ship to the infirmary, Luffy bounding ahead to lead the way.

"Chopper!"

That roar was the doctor's only warning as the door flew open and off its hinges. Zoro's leg was stuck in the shambles of the door before he kicked it into splinters.

"Nami just fell down from the bathroom! You gotta check her!"

"Calm down, Zoro, you're no help to me if you're panicking. Luffy, take Zoro outside while I double-check Nami."

There was a lot of wrestling, but after a bit, Luffy managed to manipulate the swordsman out of the room. The green-haired man paced the passageway like a caged tiger for the full ten minutes it took for Nami to emerge.

* * *

Inside, Nami was now sitting up, hold her head and her back as Chopper gave her the once-over.

"You look fine for now, though you may wake up later with a few bumps and bruises. Anywhere in particular hurting?"

"My head and my ass, if that means anything."

Chopper patted the bed, and Nami dutifully stretched out on it. The surface was comfortable, and Nami had almost gone to sleep when Chopper poked her hip.

"You're fine, Nami. Go get some sleep."

Nami yawned, stretched, and rolled her neck. She smiled wearily at the little reindeer, wondering again how his mother could abandon him.

"Thanks a ton, Chopper. You're the best."

Chopper blushed, a difficult phenomenon to observe through so much fur.

"I'm not happy with that comment, you bitch! Go to sleep!"

Nami just laughed and hugged the wriggling young man. Reindeer. Chopper.

"Have a great day, Chopper!"

* * *

"Are you alright?"

Nami wasn't prepared to deal with a face full of alcohol-soaked moss without sleep.

"Ugh, yes. Zoro, I'm fine, thanks. Could you move so I can get to bed?"

"Do you feel weak? Need me to carry you?"

"I'll handle it, Zoro," Luffy said, using one rubbery arm to remove his first mate from the passageway. "How about you ask Franky to make some great invention to stop anyone else from falling down the ladders?"

Nami was truly grateful when the swordsman resumed his normal demeanor before going in search of the shipwright.

"Thanks, Luffy," she sighed as she crossed the dining hall. She waved off Sanji as he danced over in mellorine mode with an ice bag on a silver tray.

"Hey, it's just his anti-stairs thing. Besides, I'm glad you're okay. He'd make a lousy mapmaker, and a worse navigator."

* * *

Sanji and Zoro glared daggers at each other as the swordsman came through the kitchen for the fourth time. The cook threw an empty wine bottle at the source of his aggravation, and took off his apron.

"Oh for fuck's sake, you directionless algae-head, I'll take you to Franky."

"Shove it, swirly-curly. It ain't my fault they get lost on their own ship."

"Who the fuck are you saying is lost? In fact, never mind, I don't want to waste the brain cells. Just follow me."

They were soon descending the ladder that led to the brains of the ship. Passing Usopp's factory, they heard two distinctly different voices arguing.

"That, Usopp, is an absolutely crappy idea. It is made of fail."

"Oi, just cuz you're Sogeking, with the bounty and all, doesn't mean you make the ammo."

"Thank God. Don't you have a normal gun or something?"

"Listen, you can't snipe with a gun, the report is too loud."

Both monsters stopped, and looked at each other quizzically.

"Yeah, he's been doing that all day," Franky confirmed as he came down the hallway. "You guys looking for him or me?"

"You," Zoro ground out, all business again. "Nami fell down the ladder from the bathroom. You need to invent a way to stop that from happening."

"Hey, bro, that wouldn't be a problem if people would dry their feet proper-ok, ok, I'll think about it! Put that white straight-blade of yours away!"

Franky readjusted himself as Zoro stopped back down to the kitchen. The man's temper was ridiculously short where women and stairs were concerned. It always took a minute to get his stones re-descended after an encounter like that.

"I'm heading back to the kitchen then. By the way, mushrooms in your miso soup?"

"That would be SUPA, cook-bro!"

"Yeah, yeah, warn a straight man next time you do that. Ahoking, it's mushrooms in your miso!"

"Sanji, I'll put chili sauce in your gazpacho if you keep that up."

"But I, Sogeking, will be honored to eat your mushrooms, Sanji-kun."

Sanji shook his head, and made a detour outside to smoke another half-pack.

* * *

In the gloom of her mercifully darkened room, Nami flopped onto her bed, oblivious to the fact that her bedroom door was still open. So it wasn't entirely Luffy's or Brook's fault that her undergarments were on display as they jumped up to the Thousand Sunny's masthead.

"Yohohohoho, red panties today, Luffy!"

Luffy, purely out of experience, dodged left as Nami's furious fist of love came flying from the room.

* * *

Robin was in her garden, much to Sanji's delight. Overjoyed and in full mellorine mode, the cook wafted over to join her. In the distance, Zoro was finally on the lawn and heading to the crow's nest, Chopper leading him by the hoof.

"Good morning, Robin-chwaaan!"

"Good morning, Mr. Cook."

"It's going to be a lovely day! Nami-san told us that before she went to bed."

"Oh? Perhaps we should do some sun-bathing after all..."

"Yes! Please! Mellorine, to feast mine eyes upon your sun-drenched beauties would be a gift beyond recounting for this humble chef."

"Is it eyes or eye, Mr. Cook? I keep envisioning that a sea monster mauled the left side of your face and ate your eye. Could I take a look?"

Internally, Sanji sighed. Robin's mature, morbid sense of curiosity was often beyond him. Before he could answer, there was a resounding splash to the right of the ship.

"Hammer overboard!" Zoro yelled. Another splash followed.

"Make that two hammers overboard! Dammit Chopper, you can't swim!"

With a sigh, Sanji jumped down to the lawn, avoiding Zoro's splash as the first mate dove in after the doctor. Sanji took off his jacket and shoes, and dived in to look for Brook. He came up for air after a while.

"I can't find him!"

"Perhaps a sea king got him?" Usopp asked nervously, as he pumped water out of Chopper.

"If a sea king had eaten him, maybe we would see his bones scattered all over?" Robin asked lightly.

"Yohohohoho! Monster at 4 o'clock!"

A skeleton raced past Sanji in the water, who began cursing fluently as Luffy finally got the presence of mind to haul him up. Zoro already had his swords drawn, while Sanji dripped dry on the deck, and recalculated the morning menu.

"Right, marimo, gut him there, there, and there, leak his brains out through there. Luffy, when Zoro's done, haul that fucker's ass in. It's sushi for breakfast.

"Shut up and let a woman sleep!"

Yes, a typical morning on the Thousand Sunny.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Name that neurosis, anyone? The Straw-hat crew has them in spades. Updates for grammar and formatting. Again.


	2. Doctor's Orders

Title: Doctor's Orders

Summary: Doctor's orders are not to be disobeyed. A normal, post-epic struggle, day on the Thousand Sunny.

* * *

"Argh, not Heavy Point! Chopper, it hurts when you do it there!"

"Fuck, is he supposed to be this slick everywhere, Chopper?"

"It's warm oil, of course he's slick, Sanji!"

The sound of harried breathing, grunting, and moaning wafted out from the infirmary doors. It was another day on the Thousand Sunny.

"Will the two of you hurry the fuck up and get off? I'm in pain down here!"

"Oi, shut it marimo! No, don't move, you shitty idiot...fuck this, I'm straddling you."

"Fuck it all! Chopper, that fur is in my face, I can't breathe!"

"Sorry Zoro, but it takes way too long to regrow it so you'll just have to gag."

"Stop bitchin' and take it like a man! You two weren't gentle with me either!"

"I'll show you bitchin' if you get oil on my haramaki with your fucking toothpick legs - shit, what the fuck was THAT for?"

"Frigging masochist, ain't ya? Look who can't get from between my thighs!"

"You two shut up! Sanji, hold him down a bit more, we're nearly done."

"Augh, no, not Arm Point - mmphreph!"

"Are my hands in the right place, Chopper?"

"Yeah, now move down the entire length use a firm, stroking motion."

Usopp and Luffy huddled under the grand table of the dining hall, hiding beneath Brook's and Franky's legs rather unsuccessfully. The boys had their fingers in their ears, their eyes making two pairs of wobbling orbs of terror, even as the older men continued their songwriting, completely undisturbed. Nami and Robin were sunbathing on the lawn while laughing their heads off at the commotion below deck.

Let's ignore the tissue paper in their noses, shall we?

" I'm done! That went faster than I thought..."

" ... ... Oh shit, that feels so good ... ..."

"See, marimo? The release is worth it.

"Hand on the neck was a nice touch, Chopper."

"Told you he was the best, animal or human."

"I'm not happy, you assholes! You two can leave now, but don't wait so long next time."

Shirtless and well oiled, bronzed skin glistening, Zoro sauntered out of the infirmary with his pants half undone, sliding off his strong, narrow hips. His haramaki and shirt were slung over his shoulders, and he gave a contented stretch.

"Move to fuck over, you ambulatory algae colony, you're blocking the doorway."

Freshly lit cigarette dangling from his mouth, Sanji exited the room, his shirt undone and tie over his shoulders. His belt was unbuckled and hung lewdly, while his shoes hung from one hand. His slim but muscular chest shone, displaying a few freckles on his fair skin. He nonchalantly kicked one leg in the air, stretching it behind his head.

"For a reindeer, Chopper knows what he's doing," Zoro commented while yawning loudly. "That took it all out of me. I'm in the crow's nest till dinner."

"Don't knock the doc, marimo. Ah, that tension in my lower back is gone. Maybe I can handle the big wok for some crab lettuce fried rice later tonight."

Turning around in an unusually relaxed and docile manner, the notoriously uptight first mate and ship's cook scoured the room, searching for Chopper's next 'patients'.

"Luffy, Usopp, you guys are next!"

"But I don't wanna go! I have can't-take-it-up-there-or-I'll-die-itis! Kaya, save me! Oh, my precious Kaya!" Usopp wailed, while holding onto Franky's waist.

"I wanna be the next pirate king, not the next pirate bitch! Help! Nami! Robin!" Luffy croaked, as he wrapped his rubbery limbs around Brook's head.

"Oi, quit your whining, you wusses!" Zoro grumbled as he stretched Luffy off of the gentleman skeleton and into the infirmary.

"Shitty brats, Chopper says we all need a massage, especially you two, so get in there!" Sanji groused, as he kicked Usopp off of the cyborg shipwright.

Brook and Franky ignored the wailing. It was a normal day on the Thousand Sunny, after all.

"Franky, Brook, don't think you can get away! Your bones are all out of alignment, and you never reset your shoulders!"

Cold sweat hit the floor long after two figures vanished from the table.

"What the hell is their problem?" Zoro wondered out loud, scratching his hair as he finished pulling on his shirt.

"No you can't ride me, Luffy!"

"Just keep him from bucking, Luffy!"

Sanji went green around the gills. He didn't even have the heart to mock Zoro, who's face matched his haramaki.

"Please tell me that we didn't sound like that..."

"Leave it alone, it's not supposed to bend like that!"

"But it's soooooo long, Usopp! Besides, it's kinda swinging to the left."

"Man, Usopp, you're way too tense. Relax and I'll loosen you up while Luffy gets to work down there."

Sanji silently handed Zoro an extra bottle of sake, while the swordsman used his foot to kick open a fresh crate of cigarettes.

"Crow's nest. Now." was all Zoro said.

"Fuck lunch." Sanji agreed as he led the way.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

I can so see this happening. Not good. *Scours eyeballs*


	3. Laundry Duty

Title: Drip dry, no starch.

Summary: Because someone has to clean up their mess.

* * *

"Laundry! You monsters, get your dirty laundry together right now!"

Usopp grabbed another pile of unidentifiable clothing from the floor of the men's quarters, then headed out to the lawn, where a number of enormous cauldrons sat ominously. Half of them were full of boiling sea water, while the others held cool water.

"Oi, Usopp, the stuff from the gym!"

That was his only warning as a rain of sweaty towels, mats, and - great skies above, were pants supposed to smell this awful?

"Good God! You filthy beast, I tell you to clean that place up every day! Every day! This stuff could gas Sodom and Gomorrah!"

"Oh stop over-reacting, shitty long-nose. It can't be that bad." Sanji stated confidently, even as he brought out a large pile of kitchen linens and suits. He was reduced to wearing one crisp white shirt, no tie, and a (backup) pair of black shorts.

"Yeah, Usopp, it's not like it's poisonous," Chopper commented, as he brought up the bandages and linens from the infirmary.

Only to be laid out colder than alcohol on Drum Island during a blizzard.

"Maa, well, the l'il bro's is ultra sensitive, ain't it?" asked Franky as he threw his shirts and swimming trunks in the pile.

"Oh for the love of Davy Jones, cover yourself!" Usopp, Zoro, and Sanji screeched, as the swordsman mercifully dropped his last clean towel on the nude cyborg's head.

Nami shook her head in exasperation as she and Robin emptied their pre-sorted clothes into two cauldrons. They felt for Usopp, who had been assigned permanent laundry duty since he'd rejoined the crew, but it was part of his way of atoning. Besides, he was the closest thing to a housewife out of the entire crew.

"You mean you people honestly haven't realized that we never get attacked when Zoro's clothes are soaking?" Usopp groused has he poured Chopper's linens into a cold water cauldron to soak out any residual blood or other bodily fluids. "His laundry usually smells like alcohol-pickled brimstone when it's left undone for a week."

The silence was deafening, and Zoro thought it a grand time to disappear back into the gym. He'd rather face Brook's jokes than the rest of his nakama right now.

"Oh good...urf!" Nami gurgled, heading for the railing to bring up the remains of her late breakfast.

"You shitty demon! Goddammit, Franky even built a bathroom, what the fuck is your excuse?" Sanji snapped, kicking the main mast with every other syllable.

"Yohohoho, I can feel that rattling right down to my bones! Skeleton Joke!"

"Oi, **my** gear doesn't smell like a tobacco field wilting in onion juice and fish guts. Ahou! Stop shaking us!"

Robin generously held a mass of orange hair back as the young girl leaned over again.

"Fufufu. Laundry day is as lively as ever."

Usopp continued to sort clothes, oblivious to the commotion. He'd attached a clothespin to his nose, and managed to cover Chopper's face with a clean surgical mask.

"6, 7, 8...hrm. That's funny," he muttered nasally, counting again. He frowned and scratched his nigh-invisible beard.

"Luffy, are you going bareback again?"

"Eh?" cried the rest of the crew.

Luffy, ensconced on the mast head, flipped onto his back, and pulled out his waistband.

"Oops. Kishishishishi."

Zoro began banging his head against the metal floor of the gym, trying to clear the horrible images from his mind before meditating. He failed miserably, judging from his anguished snarling.

"Dear God, there is not enough Merlot for me to deal with this right now. I'm making lunch," Sanji grumbled, rubbing his temples. He scooped up Chopper and stomped back to the kitchen, mumbling incoherently around his ninth cigarette for the day.

"Hold up," Usopp growled, jumping in Sanji's face. Nose to nose, he glared at the cook.

"Pay up, bucko."

"For what, shitty long-nose?"

"Special request."

"What special request?"

Usopp held up the incriminating wedding dress and veil. Sanji blanched, then closely resembled a boiled lobster. Chopper dropped out of the cook's nerveless fingers, hitting the deck and sitting up in a daze.

"Or should I tell Nami to add it to your tab?" the sniper questioned, his voice rising.

Sanji, visible eye a heart-shaped lens of love, licked his lips nervously as he pulled a number of bills out of his wallet. He shoved them unceremoniously in Usopp's mouth, and danced to the galley, confused medic and shipwright now in his wake. Nami, her stomach void of all nutrition, yelled her drink order to Sanji's back. She swiped the bills from Usopp's mouth, noting the decrease in his debt with a cheeky grin, before making a beeline for the ship's library.

Usopp resigned himself to the task of sorting ragged clothing as either trash or future cleaning cloths, and barely noticed the lack of people around him. It was the time of day when nakama began to grate on each other, and they naturally broke off to complete individual tasks. Thus, he was quite surprised to feel Robin's hand tap his shoulder. In fact, he was so shocked that he'd jumped halfway up the main mast before realizing who was speaking to him. He was grateful when she caught him, and set him back on his own two feet, even if she didn't use her own limbs.

"You really are quite skilled at this chore, Mr. Long-nose. May I ask why?" Robin asked, even as Usopp double-checked his ankles to confirm their 'manliness'.

'Because my father left me to be a pirate and my mother left me to be dead,' Usopp thought, before squashing the uncharacteristic musings.

"I just like clean clothes. I may be living with monsters, but it's no reason to behave like one."

"I'm sure your parents would be proud if they could see you out here."

Usopp's motions slowed as he tipped the men's dark clothes into one of the cauldrons. After the last item splashed into the water, he turned around to face Robin. His eyes gleamed - were those tears? No, that impression was gone, as he pulled out a bag of unusual white and blue powder and thumbed his nose.

"This laundry is nothing. My folks would have been really proud of this! It's my latest creation: Usopp's Magnificient Laundry Detergent! Now with fresh citrus scent!"

"Oh? Is this where Mr. Cook's last crate of oranges disappeared too? The reason he almost drowned the captain yesterday?"

"Yes, yes, Sanji couldn't express his gratitude enough! At any rate, would you like to try it out on your clothes?"

Robin sagaciously considered her favorite garters and stockings before regarding Usopp's latest concoction.

"No, thank you. I believe our clothes are only lightly soiled."

"Suit yourself. You'll be jealous after you get a glimpse of our clean, manly attire.

"Fufufu. I am very certain that your attire will attract attention. If you excuse me, Mr. Cook should have left a drink for me in the aquarium bar." she replied as she sauntered off.

"You'll regret this!"

* * *

Regret was definitely in the air when the men came to claim their clothes, now drying on clothesline strung up over the lawn.

"Usopp!"

Usopp, startled awake by the unholy roar, was unceremoniously dragged from his fishing line on the ship's starboard railing, and launched into the middle of the ship.

"What the hell have you done to our clothes?" Luffy yelled, shaking the sniper violently. Usopp looked around, and gaped. Every single piece of clothing was a bright orange color.

"You," grated Zoro, orange haramaki in one hand, _Sungdai Kitetsu_ in the other, "have approximately seven seconds to tell me what happened to this before I filet you."

"And trust me, I have a mushroom recipe for that," Sanji ground out, orange tie in hand.

"I didn't do anything! I just used my laundry detergent on the clothes and let them soak for a bit, then rinsed them and hung them out! Hogeeh!"

Sanji removed his foot from the top of the sniper's head.

"You ass, my favorite suit is orange! That color is completely out of fashion now. The ladies are going to laugh in my face if I'm stuck in an orange tuxedo!"

"Shove it, swirly. My haramaki only has one color, green. It matches my hair. It goes with everything. It can even be camouflage. Wearing orange is like saying 'slice me here, please' you jackass!"

"My vest is supposed to be meat-colored! There isn't any orange meat! Idiot!"

Usopp dodged the slash of the sword and jumped over the rubber whip, but the 'Strong Hammer' struck him directly in his back.

"I don't dress in orange trunks! That's perverted!"

"Your whole attire is perverted!" Usopp retorted, even as pulled himself upright on the Thousand Sunny's aft deck. He could feel the menacing auras as they closed in on him.

The back door of the infirmary exploded as a large hoof made contact.

"My bandages! My patients don't wear orange bandages!"

'Shit,' Usopp thought, as he activated his bungee belt and jumped.

"Ah~~~~~, yah yah~~~~!" he screamed, as he fell into the ocean.

"Come back here!" Luffy bellowed as Usopp escaped his immediate grasp.

"Oh my, a little cold water and baking soda, and these clothes are as good as new."

The men turned to Robin as she returned Luffy's vest to pristine condition.

"Haul that idiot in," Zoro snapped to Franky and Chopper. "Tell him he's got to redo everything."

"While wearing his orange overalls," Sanji added. No-one saw him stash the orange-dyed wedding dress in his laundry sack.

'It's even better now that it matches her hair!' he daydreamed, causing Nami's ears to burn as she worked in the library.

Usopp sneezed, took the fish out of his front pocket, and rued laundry days on the Thousand Sunny.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Seriously, Zoro is usually covered in all sorts of filth and blood and ichor and just...ew. Just ew.


	4. Insomnia

Title: Insomnia

Summary: Because it's never all fun and games.  


* * *

This happened after every battle.

Zoro woke _up_. Not the general easing into conscious living that most people went through, oh no. He went from his deepest sleep levels to complete, startling awareness, like a wild elevator ride from the bottom of the sea to the top of the clock tower of Aluburna in less than a second.

He was dry-heaving, _Wadou Ichimonyi_ already out, _Sungdai Kitetsu_ half-drawn. His stomach rolled, bile entering his esophagus only to plummet back into his gut. His breathing was hard and shallow; he could feel every single wound from the dojo to Thriller Bark _humming_. When Nami slipped in silently, her body shaking, he knew it was going to be one of those nights.

He counted slowly from one thousand, calming his racing heart, even as Sanji's strangled breathing and swearing led the young man to jump out of his bunk, one leg cocked and ready to lash out.

"You can't take him! I won't let you! Eat this!"

Nami managed to restrain him with a soft touch on his shoulder. Zoro locked his eyes onto Sanji's frantic pair, and mentally _shoved_ calm into the man, until the leg was lowered, and the hands stopped trembling. He restarted his count, noting that Usopp had drawn himself together in his bunk, curled protectively like an unborn infant, but most definitely awake, clutching _Kabuto_ tightly while chanting to himself.

"He cannot. He will not. He cannot. It's not possible."

Chopper's wail from the infirmary announced the bad news to everyone else.

Zoro sighed deeply and resheathed his swords. Nami shook Usopp's shoulder, causing him to slowly uncurl. Sanji passed his handkerchief to Nami so she could dry the tears still tracking down her face. They wordlessly shuffled out of the room, and met Chopper on the lawn, under the main mast.

The reindeer was weeping, tears streaming down his face, choking on harried sobs. Zoro dropped onto the grass, his legs crossed, and pulled the reindeer to his chest. Sanji crouched down on his heels behind the swordsman, backs just touching. The lighter's flare was impossibly loud as the cigarette caught fire, and the smoke began to cover them all in a haze. Usopp flopped down in an undignified heap to the left of Sanji, right of Zoro, his back pushing against them both as he pulled one knee to his chest. Nami sank to her knees, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. She covered her face with her heads, shuddering against the shoulders of the demon and the cook.

Robin watched them from the gloom of the women's quarters' doorway, before she retrieved a large blanket and joined them. The blanket, which could double as a tent in tough times, was draped around her shoulders as she descended the stairs and stopped in front of Nami. Raven hair mingled with orange locks as Robin gracefully arranged herself on the lawn, and embraced the young woman. The crying became more audible.

Zoro and Sanji pulled the blanket around themselves, covering their younger crewmates.

Franky came up from the workshop, walking like a man 500 miles away from the nearest drink. He paused and observed the scene, still unsure of his ability to join them. Usopp's false, crooked smile encouraged the older man to walk over to the group and ruffle the sniper's hair. He kept the huge hand in place as the younger man's throat began to hitch, Adam's apple bobbing uncontrollably. The cyborg's guilt grew a little bit, but he restrained himself from hugging his former victim. This giant tamer didn't need pity, least of all now.

Brook observed it all from the crow's nest. Taking the graveyard watch had been hard for him, still infatuated as he was with sunlight and his shadow. He played his violin, the strains filtering down to the ears of his nakama below. Sanji looked up, visible eye closed, and blew out a long trail of smoke. Brook took that as acknowledgment, affirmation even, of his existence and place in their midst.

"Ne, why are you all up? Are you all eating without me? Ah, Sanji! Meat! I want meat! I'm sooooo hungry!"

As Luffy emerged on deck, pants barely on and vest open, the atmosphere of dread dissipated. Their captain scratched himself groggily, yawning louder than the broadside of a marine battleship, and the oppressive fear lifted off of their backs, leaving like the fog of the Florian Triangle.

_'If he ever loses,'_

_'If this man ever falls;'_

_'If death should claim him,'_

_'If the abyss should call;'_

_'My heart will not break,'_

_'My spirit shall not fail.'_

_'For I will always follow,'_

_'My captain._'

Then Luffy's limbs were all around them, his smile in their faces, his 'Kishishishi' ricocheting around the ship like a rubber ball.

And Zoro was finally able to yawn, and Sanji was finally in mellorine mode as Nami finally yelled at their captain.

_'Salvation.'_

_'Loyalty.'_

_'Adoration.'_

And Usopp was once more telling a tall tale to the once again gullible young doctor.

_'Security.'_

_'Reliability.'_

And Robin was yet again teasing Franky as he yet again barked at Brook who had yet again made a skeleton joke.

_'Appreciation.'_

_'Dedication.'_

_'Responsibility.'_

Another night of insomnia on the Thousand Sunny passed.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

The tone for this is not perfect, in my mind's eye, but it will suffice for now.


	5. SUPA Drinks

Title: This week, I'm feeling fun!

Summary: Chopper and the others follow up on an outstanding issue from Enies Lobby.

* * *

The whole affair started innocently enough. They were all in the galley, eating dinner as usual. Luffy was robbing fish from everyone's plates, marred by Zoro, who was chugging sake while slapping rubber hands away, all while using the back of his sword to fend off Sanji, who was lavishing attention on Robin and Nami. The women were giggling about something they had seen in a catalog that had come with the newspaper, talking in _sotto voce_ as Usopp regaled Chopper with tales of his 'daring' deeds. Brook and Franky were playing their instruments in an attempt to fit the mood of the sniper's story, and everything was just peachy keen until Franky asked Sanji for a cola from the fridge.

Sanji, laden with wares, kicked open the door, hooked a bottle from the door using the tip of his shoe, and skillfully kicked the drink to the cyborg, ignoring the gratified response as he dumped dishes in the sink. Not bothering to look at the drink, the blue-haired man popped the cap off, and guzzled it in one gulp.

"Oh yeah, baby! That's the good stuff!"

The blue-haired man jumped up on the table and began to wiggle his latex-clad behind.

"Oh yeah, baby! I'm feeling....HULA!"

At which point every sound in the hall receded as Franky began to shake his hips, his blue hair sagging down onto his shoulders. It was probably even more shocking (and amusing) because everything on Franky's face showed that the cyborg did **not** want to do this. **At all.**

"What the hell is this? Pineapple soda!" Franky yelled, reading the label of the bottle for the first time. He valiantly ignored Zoro and Brook as the two swordsmen broke down under their gales of laughter, the green-haired demon causing the table to creak and shake each time he slapped his hands on the surface. Sanji, traumatized beyond belief by the shipwright's dance, tried to hold down his dinner while leaning over the kitchen sink. Nami and, to a (much) lesser degree, Robin, stared in shock, even while Chopper explained the circumstances to the skittish marksman and confused captain.

"Oh yeah! Frank's personality changes depending on the drink you give him!" the young reindeer stated eagerly. "I found out while he was fighting that CP9 guy with the big mouth!"

Franky felt the perspiration beading up on his forehead as the doctor, Usopp, and Luffy gazed at him with stars in their eyes.

"That is so awesome!" they shrieked, as they proceeded to jump on the cyborg.

"Huah! Hey! No, don't do that! Watch it! Not there! No, you may not experiment on me! No, wait!"

Franky pulled up a rocking chair and a pipe.

"Well, I reckon I was half your age when I saw my first sea king...Ah, I'm feeling OLDA! Ahou! This is barley tea!" he barked, cracking the chair in half while biting through the pipestem. His hair, which had thinned and turned gray, returned to its cyan blue lushness.

"Luffy, try this!" Usopp cried, throwing his captain a large bottle of fresh mountain spring water.

"Om...our existences are fluid like the river...om... Ah, I'm feeling BUDDHA! I ain't a party attraction! Gimme my cola!" the older man roared, as he stripped off a bald cap and a rosary.

"Take this!" Luffy crowed as he shoved a bottle into Franky's mouth and half-way down his throat.

"Hrk! Bubbles! Gack! But oh my, I'm feeling PRETTIA! Who the hell on this ship drinks bubbly white Zinfandel!" the cyborg gagged, as he shook his hair out from its updo and pulled his shirt back over his shoulders. He was unprepared when Zoro and Brook rushed him.

"Beer!"

"Agh! Oh yeah, man! I'm feeling like a KEGGA! Not you guys too!"

"Stout!"

"Sanji don't join in! Aye, me laddies, I be feelin' meself a GOLDIGGA! Dammit, you ever seen a 7-foot dwarf?"

By the time Franky got free, the fridge was almost devoid of cold drinks, and his new nakama were almost dead from laughter. Ignoring their wheezing and half-hearted gasps for air, he grabbed a six-pack of cola from the bottom of the fridge.

"I'm being particularly fun this week, so I'll let you goofs off the hook."

Half-way to his workshop, Franky returned to the kitchen, and swiped the ends of the Zinfandel.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Because we all know that Chopper, Luffy, and Usopp would never, ever pass this up.


	6. Growing Up I

Title: Let's talk about reindeer games...

Summary: What do crewmates look at if they aren't interested in men or women?

* * *

"Let me make sure I understand this," Zoro said calmly, scratching his forehead. He had a magazine in his left hand, and a slight blush on his face.

"You," he snapped, pointing to Usopp, "decided to show him," the finger switched to Luffy's innocent face, "Sanji's porn collection, right?"

Usopp nodded cautiously.

"And because it's a cold night, Luffy decided to share your top bunk, right?"

Luffy grinned widely, oblivious to the manic sheen in Zoro's eyes.

"Yep, so we wrestled until I got to sit in Usopp's lap with the blanket around both of us! Kishishishi!"

Zoro glared at Sanji's back as the cook carefully sorted through his 'goddess' magazines, puffing away like a sea-train.

"Fucking marimo, don't burn your eyes into my back! Thought your shitty heathenish ass didn't believe in God anyway?"

"'S fuck does that have to do with this, curlicue?"

"Your shitty face is saying, 'Why me God?'"

Sanji blocked 2 swords with one leg. Zoro glared murderously at the blond eyebrow, before re-sheathing his weaponry. Judging from the green giant's inability to form a coherent sentence, unless growling was now human-speak, Sanji figured he'd have to talk. He packed away his own anger, and turned back to Luffy. The swordsman's meditation lessons went out the window when he saw the boy picking his nose.

"So now that you two shitheads were all fucking warm and cozy and pawing through my collection of _goddesses_ like the assholes you are," he punctuated his ranting with a savage flurry of leg strikes, aiming alternately at a red vest and a long nose, "why, in the name of glorious womanhood, were you looking at this?"

He snatched the magazine out of the swordsman's hand, and held it up, glossy cover reflecting the lantern's glow.

"Horned Beauties Of Drum Island," Usopp read aloud. "We weren't reading that! Besides, we just got in here."

The blond man looked unconvinced.

"Yeah, seriously, who wants to look at horny women?" Luffy added nonchalantly. Sanji choked on his puff of nicotine, and was too busy coughing to respond, though his saucer-like heart-eye said a lot to Usopp.

Zoro pressed on valiantly.

"So when I walked by and heard someone whispering, 'I'd tap that,' you maroons are telling me it wasn't you?"

"Yep!" Luffy replied.

"So where the hell did this _lovely_ piece of literature come from?" Sanji yelled, cigarette dropping from his mouth. "I mean, what the fuck, it's full of pictures of animals, and if you guys are into bestiality, we need to get you the hell away from..."

"Oh Santa, I'd play a whole lot of games with that one!"

The magazine dropped out of Sanji's hands. The men in the room looked at each other, clearly puzzled given that no-one other than Sanji had his mouth open.

From under the bottom bunk in the corner of the room, a swift movement snatched the suspect reading material into darkness.

"Bloody hell!" Zoro swore, pulling out _Wadou_.

"Shit!"

"Ah, bed monsters!"

Luffy shushed the others with a hand on his lips, and slowly stretched his arms to either side of the bunk. After three heartbeats, his hands shot under the bunk, and wrapped around the intruder. Heaving, Luffy pulled the struggling figure from his hiding place into the middle of the room.

Chopper, in Heavy Point form, dropped on top of his captain, who was quickly pulled out by Usopp and Zoro. Sanji just stood there, blinking stupidly. When the others finally got up, they understood why. Finally, Luffy cocked his head to one side, and opened his mouth.

"Ne, Chopper, were your pants always so tight around your...augh! Hot! Hot! Hot!"

Usopp crammed a chili sauce shot into his captain's mouth, then crushed another set into both of their eyes. Blind and screaming, the pair stumbled out of the men's quarters, crashing into doors, walls, and the deck as they finally went overboard in their search for water.

Zoro sighed, and used a sheathed sword to push Sanji out of the room.

"Go make sure that those idiots are alive," he grumbled. It was telling that he hadn't insulted the cook for his stupor. It was even more telling that Sanji just nodded, turned around and went to the side of the ship. Sure he was muttering to himself about needing a stiff...tight...large...ah fuck, the cook couldn't think anymore, so he just decided to join the other two overboard.

Zoro manfully closed the door on the confusion outside. He'd heard Franky and Robin yell to the others, and that was enough to ensure that those fools would be safe. The problem was in the men's quarters, behind his back.

He turned around, eyes closed, and thumped Chopper on the head to stop him from humping the rug. He pushed the magazine under a pile of laundry, and sat down with his legs crossed, facing the doctor, who was now nursing his lumpy head in Brain Point form.

"Chopper, we need to have the talk..." he began, and swore inside his head when he heard Nami and Brook giggling outside. Sanji entered the room, dripping seaweed, and threw Luffy and Usopp next to Chopper. Zoro glanced at the wet man as he crouched nearby, and sighed. The cook was armed with cucumbers, prophylatics, and a grimace that said it all.

'Why me?' the green-haired man thought, hoping for once that someone else would answer.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Questions, answers, and possible spoilers from the Author:  
1. Is Whitebeard Zoro's grandfather? Don't tell me you haven't wondered?  
2. How did I figure that Luffy forgets to wear underpants? Island of Women.  
3. Chapter 2's ending? Yeah, that was Usopp's nose. Most phallic facial appendage I've seen yet, especially when he's peering through Kabuto. Oh wait, forgot about Eneru's earlobes. Testes much?  
4. Zinfandel? Because everyone needs to feel pretty sometimes, and Sanji is thoughtful enough to provide it for _any and all_ ladies on board.


	7. Growing Up II

Title: ...and end on reminiscences.

Summary: First time having this conversation?

* * *

Nami twitched her eyes as Luffy and Usopp ran around the lawn with condom balloons attached to their heads.

"What could you two idiots possibly have told them to inspire this?"

Zoro grabbed his fifth sake bottle from the grand table, while Sanji raised his head to answer.

"Nami-san, really, we did our best. They already knew the basics about sex and even..." here Sanji paused to drain his wine glass, top it back up from the bottle on the ground next to him, and drain it again. He lit a new cigarette before continuing, "Even anal and oral sex."

"Which, by the way, explains the pirate bitch thing the other day," Zoro added mournfully, having downed a quarter of the new bottle already. He cradled a sixth bottle in the elbow of his right arm while his eyes followed Usopp's latest great white shark.

"Anyway, after they explained how they learned about sex - someone find a lawyer and frigging well charge the villages of Syrop and Fuschia with neglect and exhibitionism, thanks - we went into condoms and how to apply them. After that, our illustrious captain asked..."

At this point, Zoro stuck his pinky finger in his nostril, and wiggled it in an impressive Luffy imitation.

"Ne, Sanji, since I'm made of rubber, does that mean that I don't need a condom? Maybe I can just make my own! Let's try right now!"

"So after marimo clocked the shithead, shitty Usopp realized that they were a lot like balloons and they raced outta the room together, while we decided to get as smashed as fucking possible so we could forget this entire evening."

Franky's tears made Zoro feel a little better, but then he blushed madly.

"Ah, Robin, Chopper wanted me to tell you something."

Robin stopped covering her grin behind her hands when Nami elbowed her.

"Yes, Mr. Swordsman?"

"Please don't bend over to get books from the bottom shelf anymore. At least, not for the next 3 months or so, but particularly this next week."

Robin's raised eyebrows made Zoro sigh in exasperation.

"He thinks he may be going into rut or something, and that makes him super aggressive and super horny for any female, and I would really appreciate it if you and the witch would stop chortling right now so I can get good and drunk."

"Yohohohoho, surely this wasn't as embarrassing as the first time your parents spoke to you about the birds and the bees?" Brook asked teasingly.

"Wasn't my parents, was that shitty geezer, Zeff," Sanji muttered, slurring slightly. He'd abandoned his glass in favor of chugging the wine straight from the bottle. "Sat me down with a bunch of junior Baratie chefs and showed us how things worked."

"Ohoho? Any visual aids? Like panties?" Brook inquired, his sockets a little too happy for Nami's liking.

"I wish! He used a cucumber on a hollowed out eggplant. I was mortified, until he explained that it's painful for women. Very, very painful. He even discussed labor, which ended when I threw up," the cook replied weakly. "That pretty much convinced me that men put women through enough shit without beating up on them."

Zoro, who had been dozing with his head against the the back of his chair, suddenly stirred.

"_Whereupon thine mighty sword shall encounter the supple sheath, and ye shall be gentle yet sharp, as the blade unto the sakura._"

Franky cleaned himself up enough to ponder the recitation, only to burst into tears again.

"That's beautiful swords-bro! That's just...so tender, but I ain't crying about it," he wailed between sobs.

Zoro snorted derisively as he lowered his head, eyes still closed.

"Not my words, and sure as hell not the way she liked it. See, my teacher's idea was to make it ust like any other lesson, so he called us all in to the dojo, and we're sitting there thinking it's more calligraphy or some shit, when he bursts out in verse. Then, he breaks it down the same way he taught us how to clean blades; full works, male and female, male and male, female and female, all alone. After he's gone and given us the night to 'polish our swords and dew our lilies', his daughter - like the only teenage female in 5 kilometers, any direction - beats the boy next to here half to death for wanting to 'polish swords' together."

Nami howled in laughter, slapping the table. She barely heard Sanji's question.

"Who the fuck was such a shitty, insensitive ass?"

Zoro smiled, slightly wistful around the edges. It was a smile noone had seen before, as the swordsman leaned back over his chair.

"Me, dartboard."

Sanji graced the mood in the room by waiting 8 seconds before kicking Zoro's leg. It had less than a tenth of the usual power behind it, so Zoro just flipped the bird in response, before falling back to sleep.

Franky, who sat on Zoro's right, sniffled loudly as he stocked up on cola.

'I never remember that I'm almost twenty years older than these guys. It's hard to think about it when these bros are fighting, but get them talking about life...I bet they've never even held a woman.'

He surreptitiously brushed Robin's hand, and for once, he didn't try to analyze the tingle that passed through him.

Brook, who sat between the two young men, helpfully caught the empty sake and wine bottles as they slipped from tired fingers.

'Hard to think that I'm seventy years older than most of this crew,' he mused, as Sanji wearily leaned forward to crush his cigarette in the ashtray. "So very young, and brave...the type of men who should have large families, yet end up dying too soon."

Nami shook her head, yawned, and leaned on Robin's right shoulder. With her other hand, the raven-haired woman brushed away orange bangs.

"How did your mother tell you, Ms. Navigator?"

Nami sighed, sleep tickling her eyes.

"Wasn't my mother, it was my sister. She taught me everything, using the orchard as her example," here a large yawn split the young woman's face before she could continue.

"I was only interested in how much men charged for the acts, or how stupid a sexy woman would make them. See, I needed 100 million beri really badly, but then I met Luffy and Zoro and Usopp and Sanji..."

Nami's voice trailed off, as Raven mulled over her own contemplations of prostitution.

'How did I learn? Was it the first pirate crew? Crocodile? I do not want to think that we were both driven by men's ugly choices and desires.'

Sanji groaned, half-asleep on his feet, and offered to take Nami to bed, while Zoro, standing yet groggy, yelled for Luffy and Usopp to go to sleep _inside_ the men's quarters, not outside the door.

"Hohoho, where shall Chopper sleep while he's in rut?" Brook questioned Zoro as the swordsman left the room behind Sanji, Nami secure in the blond man's hands.

"He's holing up in the infirmary. I'm gonna sleep in there with him till this rut thing is over."

"Nohohohoho, dear swordsman! You go sleep in your bunk tonight. I am certain these old bones won't inflame him!"

Zoro shrugged, and nodded his gratitude to the skeleton, before Luffy's hands grabbed him, dragging him across the ship and into the men's bedroom.

"Rubber Substitute Teddy Bear!"

"Luffy, I don't want Zoro, I want Kabuto, now quit hiding it!"

"We will take tonight's watches," Robin stated assertively, waiting until the younger crewmates from East Blue had closed their doors.

Franky nodded, and pointed his chin towards the crow's nest.

"I'll do first watch. You guys should relax for a while."

"No, no. I'll go and give our young buck a nocturnal sonata; a balm for his worries, something that will soothe the savage beast," Brook said decisively, his violin already in hand as he stalked through the sick bay's entryway.

"I shall be in the library for a while," Robin stated, her voice low now that she and Franky were alone. Her hand rested tentatively on his shoulder, before she exited the room with her measured, graceful stride.

Franky sat and stared at the aquarium, feeling both very old and very, very young.

"At least they didn't have to learn how mermaids do it," he said to the fridge. It hummed in commiseration.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Because one chapter of uncomfortable sex education is never enough.


	8. Inspired Chaos

Title: Inspiration is divine, creation is hell

Summary: Because some things are universally sacred, no matter what your disposition.

* * *

The morning dawned in a splendid array of gold and purple, royal hues for what would turn out to be a perfectly gorgeous day.

A number of Straw-hat misadventures tended to start on these types of days.

Zoro climbed down the rigging of the main mast, and let loose a massive yawn once his feet touched the lawn deck. Last watch was done, and his plans for the day boiled down to sleeping, training, napping, drinking, sleeping, eating, training, meditating, drinking, and dozing, in no particular order. He stretched his limbs prodigiously, closed his eyes against the sun's glare, and began humming to himself. Then, with the sense of direction that only he and Luffy's new pet shark could comprehend, he turned to the right, away from the men's quarters that was his original destination. Fifteen minutes later, he was strolling through the galley entryway, where he was met with the first signs of trouble.

"Oi, idiot cook? You call yourself a chef when the pan is burning like that?"

Silence. Zoro deigned to crack one eye open, then another. He scratched his green-clad scalp, ignoring the dandruff.

"Oi, curly brow? What's the matter? Nami and Robin finally make you take a vow of silence?"

No _mellorine_ wiggle. No heart-shaped eyeball. No cursing or insults. Zoro drew _Shuusui_ unconsciously, and used the tip to poke the blond man. Blood trickled out the wound in his forehead, which was enough to convince the first mate that the crew's breakfast would be served once he got the cook out of this fucked-up state.

"This is worse than that old mermaid wom- enough. Kai." Zoro muttered to himself, banishing an evil memory like bad _genjutsu_. He realized that Sanji was mumbling to himself, so he sat at the counter, hoping to hear some clues that would lead to food in the next 10 minutes or so.

"My first...stolen...my...kiss...he..." Sanji repeated lowly, like a broken record. The pupil of his visible eye was rolled up, showing the whites like a frightened horse.

Zoro was still trying to wake the chef up when Usopp skipped in the room, whistling Sogeking's theme song.

"Yo, Usopp! You were up all night?"

"Yep, Captain Usopp was working on his latest, most supreme artistic creation!"

"You happen to know what happened to dartboard here?"

"No clue! Lalalalala, rururururu"

The sniper skipped to the open fridge, grabbed an apple, and closed it gracefully with one foot while pirouetting to the sink. Zoro was too preoccupied with getting his usual _onigiri _to notice the young inventor's exceedingly cheerful mood, which would prove to be detrimental.

As Usopp skipped past Zoro, he sighed dreamily, then turned towards the swordsman with arms outstretched.

"What the-?"

Zoro's eyes bugged out of his head, and his sword sagged as his fingers went limp with shock. His green hair immediately spiked up even more, closely resembling the defensive mechanism of the common porcupine.

'Chapped...dry...very full though...little bit of spit there...needs to learn how not to smash noses...what the fuck...!' Zoro's brain died in the middle of thought processing, and the green-haired man was reduced to a vegetative state much resembling the lawn outside.

* * *

Nami was busy untying Luffy from his 'special seat', making sure to properly untangle each finger.

"Oh for the love of Davy Jones, how am I supposed to get you undone if you keep bouncing like that?"

"Sorry Nami, but it's almost breakfast time and I'm hungry! I want my meat!"

"Yes, I know you damned monkey, but I can't get your legs untied if you keep-"

The unholy shriek ripped through the air, causing all weaker animals within an eight kilometer radius of the ship, such as seagulls, flying fish, dolphins, shark, giant squid, and sea monsters, to rapidly flee the vicinity. Its echoes seemed to indicate that the sound had originated from the kitchen.

"Enemy attack on Sanji!" Luffy yelled, as he ripped free of the knot in his legs, and flipped across the deck in two hops. Nami was left with her mouth gaping, the gears in her normally nimble brain slowly turning over one fact.

'I'm pretty sure that was Zoro screaming...'

* * *

Nami swore as she connected the _Climatact_ while on the run. She barely noticed that Usopp was in her way, carrying a huge sculpture in his arms.

'Has he gained muscles somewhere I can't see?' she thought in passing, but was too concerned with the lack of activity from her captain to note two things.

Firstly, the sculpture had the faint scent of paste and oil paints. Secondly, Usopp was calmly ambling away from the commotion, or lack thereof. Upon further consideration of the sniper's disposition, one might understand why Nami ignored the second point.

* * *

"Luffy!" Nami cried as she charged into the dining hall. She took in the carnage swiftly, noting Sanji's paralysis, Zoro's panic, and Luffy's choking disgust as he rolled under the great table clutching his throat.

"Thunderbolt Tempo!"

Usopp paid no attention to the lightning strikes sparking in the nearby kitchen. He continued to set up his newest display in the center of the lawn. He stood back from the sculptures he had already positioned, thumb on his nose as he considered the way the sunlight fell on his artwork. He barely registered the malevolent auras oozing out of the ship's second deck as he covered the figures with spare sailcloth.

Luffy emerged from the kitchen first, unscathed except for a large welt on the right side of his head. The fingers imprinted in said welt made it clear that the lump was a product of Nami's 'loving' fist. His hat was pushed down low over his eyes, and he was puffing harshly into the morning air. Behind him, to his left, a 5 foot, 9 inch will-o'-wisp of flame wavered in the breeze, while a slightly larger, monstrously dark shadow with three pairs of eyes loomed to the captain's right. The rest of the crew had already gathered around the mast; Franky and Brook towering over the statues, Robin carefully examining each object, and Chopper with stars for eyes. Nami edged out behind the trio of demons, and made her way to the sniper expeditiously.

"Usopp! What in hell is wrong with those three? What did you _do_ to them? After I lit them up a bit, all they would say is your name!"

"Ah, morning Nami! Everyone! It truly is a great day! I, the Great Captain Usopp, have finished a beautiful tribute to our past adventures. Observe!"

With a grandiose flourish of the canvas cloth, Usopp revealed stunningly lifelike sculptures of himself as Sogeking. There he was, throwing the Deadly Chokemuri Shot before grabbing Robin on the sea train. To the left, Sogeking, posed with _Kabuto_ in hand; over yonder, Sogeking force-feeding salt to a large zombie-bear creature. In the center, Sogeking perched on the tower of Justice. Each papier-mache figurine was carefully painted, showing tremendous detail and depth of color. Truly, they were wondrous works of art whose value could be recognized by anyone, no matter their art expertise.

Which is exactly why the monster trio didn't pitch them overboard with their creator.

"_Rubber..._"

"_Diable Jambe..._"

"_Kyuutouryuu_..."

"_Asura Flambage Bazooka!_"

"That was for stealing my first kiss, goddammit!" the monsters roared, as Usopp's unconscious body went sailing over the horizon.

The rest of the crew tactfully decided not to ask questions when a pod of porpoises brought the sniper back, long after Nami had started last watch.

* * *

**_Author says:_**

I love how this came out, but I spent forever rewriting it, hence the title.


	9. Weekly Recap I

Title: To recap...

Summary: Let's try to digest this week's happenings, okay?

* * *

"Right crew, shut up!" Luffy snapped, his eyes bland as his finger went on another gold-mining expedition inside his nose. "The Thousand Sunny's weekly nakama meeting is now underway. What's the first thing we're supposed to talk about?"

"Shitty long-nose here would like to apologize to the men on board for being a flaming ass this week, and he has sworn to become a fucking _tea-totaller_ for the next few weeks," Sanji ground out around his cigarette stub, visible eyebrow twitching violently as he lay a platter of roasted vegetables in front of Nami and Robin.

"When the hell did I promise to lay off the-" Usopp began, before a violent_ thud_ and a cloud of wood dust stopped his complaints. Once the cloud was fanned away by Franky's _Coup de Vent_, the crew could clearly observe the way that _Sungdai Kitetsu_ was thrust into - and through - the dining room table in front of the marksman's seat. They could also see the way in which Usopp's nose darted around the blade as Sanji repeatedly kicked the younger man in the back of the head.

"I sin - augh! - cerely promise - ow, dammit! - to forsake alcohol - shit, that was close! - for the next two weeks! Ouch, now that was uncalled for! Particularly bubbly white Zinfandel, no matter how much - I'm not a doll, my nose can't get sewn back on, you idiot! - said liquor improves my artistic renderings!"

Luffy absentmindedly flicked a large booger at brown curls as Nami handed an apology sign to Usopp and made him sit in the corner of the dining hall. Zoro removed the sword from the furniture, and Sanji went back to serving lunch.

"Next."

"Yohohohoho, we're out of toothpaste and mouthwash in the men's quarters!" Brook commented, hand raised. "This is weeks too early for us to run out of these items, but I think we can manage without them if we share with the girls. Although, to think of my enamel fading..."

"Nami, next supply ship you see, buy some more. A lot more," Zoro growled, eyes closed as he held his head up with his left hand. His right hand kept sliding his swords in and out of their respective sheaths. A yellow streak painted itself down Usopp's back, but he steadfastly ignored the urge to scream for his mother, particularly because he thought he might meet her later that night.

"With what money, you green-haired pauper? I bought those items at a specially reduced price in Water 7, and you know those supply ships overcharge everything by 200%!"

Luffy thumped his hand on the table.

"New toothpaste and mouthwash, check. Nami, get on it the next time we see a ship. Next."

"This is going on your principal and interest rate, weed head!"

"Yeah, yeah, everything but the swords and my first-born, witch."

Zoro's face was forcefully merged with the wood of the table. The footprint in his cropped hair reminded an idle skeleton of the last time Luffy did acrobatics on the lawn. Chopper tentatively raised a hoof as he checked his green idol for skull fractures.

"Ah! Usopp's statues of Sogeking are really cool, but we can't really secure them above deck."

Usopp pointedly ignored three heated glares on his back.

"I'll just take them back below deck to the dark, dank, _underappreciated_ storeroom," he grumbled, more to the wall he was facing than to anyone else. Chopper ran over to the prolific liar and hugged him, wailing at the thought of the great hero's likenesses locked in the gloom below deck.

"I hate to see them go, but Sogeking would be fine with it, given the stuff that happened because of them," Luffy nodded sagely, ignoring the beads of sweat that ran down his human crewmates' faces. "Next?"

Robin carefully raised a hand. Noone cared that it was growing from the top of her head, except for Chopper, who thought she looked a lot like page 37 in _True life Donners and Blitzens: the secret life of Reindeer_. The looks from Franky, Sanji, and Zoro made him join Usopp in the corner.

"I am afraid that storytelling hour will have to be pushed forward to 6:00 p.m. tonight."

"Aw~!" Luffy, Chopper, Brook, and Sanji wailed, while Zoro snorted apathetically.

"I apologize, however I have made an engineering discovery in one of my archives, and I would like to discuss the plans with Franky so as to correctly substitute modern materials and measurements."

"Since when do you discuss things with your arms like _that_?" Usopp whispered to Chopper, only to be silenced with _Ocho Fleur Flip_.

"See, that voyeurism right there is why the village of Syrop should be charged with dereliction of a minor," Sanji muttered in Franky's ear as he dropped a plate of fries in front of the cyborg. "Also, try not to blush, you shitty hunk of self-propelled scrap metal."

"Ok, fine, but don't argue so loudly this time," Luffy commented, while Nami slapped her face with her hands. She decided to leave the appendages right there while muttering prayers for patience. Zoro's snores began to drown out everything else.

"Next!"

"Nami-swan! I'm out of oranges, and I request permission to harvest your precious jewels of citrus-y delight!"

"Yes, yes, Sanji, I'll see what's in season, and you can come and collect them later. No, Luffy, I will _not_ raise our meat allowance. Next?"

Usopp slowly raised his hand.

"We need to budget for clothes. Sorry, but I couldn't recover half the stuff from Thriller Bark, even after patching for most of the night."

"Are you sure it isn't because they're orange?" Nami groused, her fingers flying over her pocket calculator.

"Luffy and all of us versus exploding zombies? I'm not _that_ great a maid. Being orange would be a kindness for that green lout's white shirts."

Nami thought for a moment, and doubled the total on her screen.

"Boring. You guys should spend your money wisely on stuff that lasts, like meat! Next!" Luffy cried out eagerly.

"Three quarters of our income goes to feeding you!" everyone else cried out aloud, as Luffy began rooting in his ear.

Franky sighed, then raised his correctly labeled cola into the air.

"We're running low on soda! I've got a few inventions that we might need to use pretty soon, so we need to add cola to the supply list."

"Why the hell do you always use cola as a fuel, for fuck's sake?" Nami roared her last nerve audibly snapping, her head easily overshadowing Franky's seven-foot frame.

"Woah, Nami-sis, have you seen the price of fuel? That cola is a bargain! I'm the future of green technology, baby!"

"Don't baby me you transforming pervert! You will wait till we get to solid ground until you get your soda, and I'm charging interest! You motherfucking spendthrifts!" roared dragon-Nami, who was being consoled by Robin. "Meeting adjourned!"

"Na, Nami! That's my line! Oh hey, do you want your meat?"

Several thumps later, the meeting was truly over, although Usopp was stuck spoon-feeding lunch to a battered Luffy while Sanji pureed leftovers for his captain.

"How long till we get to Shabby Undies, again?" Luffy mumbled, as Usopp moved the rubber jaw in a rough approximation of chewing.

"Shabondy? Too long," Sanji sighed thoughtfully, throwing another bottle at Zoro as the _ronin _first mate wandered back through the galley. "Far too long."

The bottle missed the green target as Zoro ducked to pick up one of Chopper's bandage rolls, then masterfully turned _away_ from the deer framed by the infirmary doors to his right, heading instead for the pantry.

"At least we'll have time to sleep. Franky, you need to give better directions to the crow's nest, man."

"Swords-bro, that is totally not super. Follow me, again."

Brook simultaneously slurped his tea, burped, farted, and thanked the deities that Nami had gone to take a nap. She would kill him for his rudeness, except he was already dead.

"Skeleton Joke!" he chortled quietly, just as a thunderbolt struck him where he sat.

And just like that, another totally normal week on the Thousand Sunny was over.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

I may be busy the next few days, so I decided to leave a sorta/kinda ending chapter just in case I can't get back to this too soon. I hope everyone enjoyed these random tales of crack, angst, smutty implications, and whatever the hell else I threw out while under the influence. Reviews are greatly welcomed and appreciated, because I have no betas, and I'd like to correct my mistakes while improving my writing style whenever next I post.


	10. Silent But Deadly

Title: Beans talk

Summary: Speaking of digestion...

* * *

Chopper was sincerely considering drowning himself when the stench first hit. He couldn't even formulate a complete thought as his nose and accompanying nerves were rendered inoperable by the eye-watering odor that had just exploded in the dining hall. He couldn't speak; the vile vapor was so powerful that it robbed his mouth of vital fluids and destroyed thousands of taste buds in one fell swoop. Around him, he could hear his nakama dropping like flies, their cries of agony slowly overwhelming his aural capacities. His eyesight was fading fast, an abyss of horrid smells waiting in the dark for him.

"Dear God and the angels above, that is **the** shittiest fart that I have ever had the displeasure to endure!" Sanji croaked as he cranked the kitchen porthole open and stuck his head out.

"Don't turn on the stove, the whole ship might go up!" Nami warned, a deep, hacking cough settling in her lungs.

"I do not think I have enough arms to fan this away." Robin added, her voice muffled beneath the three pairs of hands that were covering her nose and mouth.

"Nostrils...on fire...bad outbreak of allergic-to-super-smelly-gas disease!" Usopp gasped, clutching his long nose and rolling on the ground.

"Gah! Not good meat! Very, very bad meat!" Luffy yelled brokenly as he clutched his throat and started turning purple

"Not even my haramaki is thick enough to counteract this," Zoro mumbled through the green knit material.

"Coup de Vent!"

The miasma cleared as Franky blew out the door and half the wall, letting in desperately needed cool air. Chopper's sight slowly returned, and he could swear that swampy brown tendrils were unraveling from around his head, their malicious intent fading as the temperature in the room dropped.

"Hang in there, Chopper!"

"Li'l bro gonna make it?"

The reindeer could feel wide, calloused hands raising his head up, and the scratchy, rough texture of two bandannas as they were layered over his muzzle. He had to thank his saviors; the bandannas reduced the ghastly stench to a level just above that of an overactive landfill.

"Tag gu buri puch," he gasped, as Usopp helped him to his hind-legs. "Oo uz duh wun dut dript uss?"

The room erupted in a cacophony of denial and accusation.

"That was the stench of dying seaweed. Oi, shitty ass marimo, you ever learn how to wipe?"

"It could be the stick up your ass shifting, curdled brow!"

"Not me! I'm made out of rubber, it keeps me regular!"

"Too much information, Mr. Captain."

"Well, it wasn't us. Women do not 'rip ass' as you so delicately put it."

"I dunno, Mozu-sis used to drop some horrible SBDs if she drank milk, and that, just now, was an SBD if ever there was one."

"Well it wasn't me, I don't like gassing myself to death **while** eating. Who does that leave?"

The crew looked around the room. Everyone was spoken for except from Chopper, who was still having trouble speaking, and Brook, who was missing.

"Rule of Foul Farts declares that a person can usually stand their own stink, no matter how bad. Chopper went down in less than three seconds, which would rule out reindeer gas." the sniper stated wisely, pulling at the six hairs on his chin for effect. Chopper considered changing into _Heavy Point_ to flip Usopp the bird, just like Zoro had shown him. He settled for spreading his left hoof into a vee, slamming his other hoof into the left elbow, and blowing a raspberry once the vee reached his covered mouth. Sanji applauded the rude gesture before continuing.

"So that leaves Brook. Where the hell did that shitty skeleton go?"

"See, this is why it's important to know if something can poop!" Luffy crowed triumphantly.

"Even if he can't poop, he can obviously kill us through methane huffing. How do we find that damn sack of bones anyway?" Zoro groused, already loosening a sword from its sheath.

In the distance, there came the faint sound of crackling, as if someone was balling up pieces of parchment. The sound ended relatively swiftly; unfortunately, it was followed by a flood of the same terrible stink as before.

"Uh guss ee fulluw da shenta," Chopper sighed resolutely. "Oo ee af uni guss musks?"

***

Armed with gas masks that had not seen action since Sanji joined the crew, Chopper and Zoro unwillingly followed their noses to find Brook. It took much longer than expected, mainly because the reindeer's nose was barely functioning by animal standards, leaving Zoro to lead them.

"How many times have we come through the Soldier Dock system?" Zoro asked nonchalantly as he retied his bandanna around his arm. The gas masks were much more efficient that the cotton scrap, which he intended to dispose of due to exposure to biohazard. The swordsman's mind was more on how to get the scent out of his scabbards than it was on finding the skeleton, except he **really ** wanted to gut the annoying bonehead for ruining perfectly good _sake_.

"Maybe we should check the docks. The scent is stronger at dock three," Chopper suggested as he briefly removed the gas mask. The reindeer's eyes started watering profusely as they opened the dock.

"Yep, right spot," Zoro thought as he reattached the gas mask to his semiconscious crewmate.

"Yo, Brook! What the hell are you doing in here, trying to kill us all?"

"Ohohoho! I seem to be in a pickle. You see, I was rather peckish this afternoon before snack-time, so I felt that I could indulge in some of the lightly used fare in the pantry."

Chopper had a bad feeling about this. His fur shivered, and Zoro's hackles started to rise.

"Brook. What, exactly, did you eat from the pantry?" Zoro questioned the skeleton menacingly. The black afro shrank in the submarine's front seats.

"Ohoho, I found some canned beans that were hidden in the back-"

With precise and haste, Chopper and Zoro shut the submarine's cover on Brook's head, ignoring his "Skeleton Joke" to sprint out of the dock. Zoro picked Chopper up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him up the ladder to the grass deck, following as quickly as possible.

"Launch dock 3!" Chopper screeched frantically, causing Franky to pop his head out from the galley.

"Hey, li'l bro, what's the hurry?"

"Just do it, for fuck's sake!" Zoro roared as his head popped over the ladder.

Within thirty seconds, the first unconscious giant sea monkey bobbed up behind the ship.

***

"He ate all thirty cans?" Sanji asked incredulously, cigarette carefully unlit while Usopp and Franky measured the methane levels in the dining hall.

"You do know we've had those as last resort food supplies since Arabasta, right?" Nami asked worriedly. "That won't kill him will it?"

"It would probably cause his stomach cavity to explode with the accumulation of gas," Robin replied calmly.

Chopper listened carefully to the den-den mushi, trying to make out the sounds of skeletal discomfort over Zoro's snoring and Luffy's singing.

"Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot! The more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beans with every meal!"

"Nohohohohoho, Captain, I sincerely beg to differ!"

* * *

**_Author says:_**

I was rereading "The Dark Tower" series by Stephen King, and this ditty buried itself in my head and combined with Brook's gluttony. I am ashamed, but the OP crack made me do it.

SBD - silent but deadly. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.


	11. Mail Call

Title: Let's get an update from the desert.

Summary: News from a previous nakama.

* * *

"Mail call!"

Nami's voice pierced the fog of drowsiness that had slipped over the Thousand Sunny. With Brook still occupying the men's bathroom, the males on the ship, except for Zoro and Luffy, had not slept well at all. They ended up using temporary cots and hammocks in their favorite spaces, much to their discomfort. The lack of sleep was obvious by lunchtime, when Sanji wasn't even in the mood to kick Zoro's ass for being early to the meal. Currently, the men, minus Franky, were still lollygagging on the grass deck, snoozing in the sunlight after the heavy repast.

"Mail call! Oh, look, it's a letter from Vivi!"

It was as if she'd hit the five younger ones with a _Thunderbolt Tempo_. Nami tried not to go overboard as she was suddenly covered in a pile of Chopper-Sanji-Luffy-Usopp-want-now-now-ism. Zoro grudgingly pulled them off of her when she glared at him with percent signs in her eyes.

"Shut to hell up you fools, let the witch speak."

"Stop calling Nami-swan a witch, you shitty ball of barnacle food!"

Sword met steel-capped shoe and the fight was on. Ignoring the cloud of grass and dust flying up behind her, Nami rolled her eyes and punched the other three teens in the head.

"Sit down and shut up!" she roared, wings and horns momentarily sprouting from her figure.

"Ah! Whatever you say, Nami-san!"

"Stupid ass ero-cooks always wiggling away from a good figh- ow, ow, ow, not the earrings! I'm sitting, bitch, I'm sitting!"

"Read it! Read it!" Luffy chanted, Usopp and Chopper quickly picking up the rhythm as Zoro lay back on the grass rubbing his sore earlobe. Sanji made a snide remark comparing the swordsman to Enel, but Nami threw her empty beer bottles at both of them, effectively shutting them up.

"Alright already! Listen up," she began, getting comfortable once more on her deck chair.

***

_To my dear Straw-hats,_

_Luffy, Nami, Zoro, Sanji, Usopp, Chopper. My dear friends, how are you? I have read about some of your adventures in the newspapers, but I know that anything they write is probably an underestimation of your skills._

_Luffy, your bounty is so large! $300 million beris! That is almost four times higher than Crocodile's before he became a Shichibukai and leader of Baroque Works. I know you must be very proud of yourself, as I am overwhelmed with pride for my former captain._

_***_

"Kishishishi! She saw it, she saw it! Yay!"

***

_Zoro, your bounty has doubled since the events in Arabasta! If I know anything, you were magnificent in battle, and beat the strongest swordsman out of everyone that threatened the crew._

_***_

"Tch. No doubt."

***

_Nami, I hope you did not have any trouble keeping the boys in line, and I am sure your navigational skills led everyone safely from the final battle. I am certain that you are all the richer for it- _

_***_

"Oh how I wish so," Nami wailed, rolling her eyes around before continuing.

***

_- but just in case, I have sent my payment early, along with this letter._

_***_

"You're still charging her for Arabasta? You money-loving witch!" Usopp, Luffy, and Chopper cried while Zoro shook his head disapprovingly. Nami shrugged and tucked a large wad of bills into her bikini top just as Sanji let loose an _Anti-Manner Kick Course _on his nakama_._

"Shitty ass plebes shouldn't judge Nami-san's and Vivi-chan's wise decisions! Nami-swan! Please continue!"

***

_Usopp, you looked marvelous as Sogeking! That mask makes you look so daring and handsome!_

_***_

Usopp beamed with pride before he noticed Sanji and Zoro's sniggering. He thought about it for a few seconds before he screeched aloud.

"Oi, I was handsome and daring **before** the mask! Before!"

***

_You were truly brave to burn the flag of the World Government. The symbolism of this action is already resonating throughout the globe._

_Chopper, my sweet Chopper, I hope that these events have not put undo strain on your vast medical knowledge._

_***_

"Bitch, stop buttering me up! Your nasty ass lies still won't make me happy!"

"Says the zoan wiggling off the edge of the ship. Just come here and redo my bandage!"

"Zoro, why is it off in the first place? Don't tell me anything stupid about training, you're not supposed to **be** training! _Heavy Point!_"

Nami ignored the doctor as he tackled the swordsman.

***

_I know that the marines have made a grave mistake in underestimating your worth to the crew, and I am sure that they are already regretting it._

_Sanji-kun-_

_***_

"Vivi-chwan! I hear and obey your summons of love!"

"No, Chopper, it's okay if the idiot mellorines himself right off the ship, the worst he'll do is make us eat mushrooms. Continue, Nami!"

***

_I am as appalled by the picture they are using on your wanted poster as I am impressed by the size of your bounty! I do not quite understand why your bounty is lower that Zoro's, but I'm sure that your smart tactics left the marines too confused to notice you sneaking past their defenses._

_***_

"Only a pure maiden like Vivi-chan can understand me- ah!"

Nami avoided the large splash and protected the letter. She patiently waited until Usopp and Luffy fished the lovesick chef out before starting again.

_***_

_I see that Miss All Sunday is now a part of your crew. I am sure she is beyond grateful for your trust and support at Enies Lobby. I know enough about all of you to know that you can bring about anyone's true dreams, even a former Baroque Works agent. Plus you have another female on board!_

_***_

"She was always a perceptive lass," Robin crooned by Nami's ear, causing the younger woman to shriek in fright.

"Dammit, Ane-san, don't do that to me!" the navigator grumbled as she pitched another empty beer bottle at Zoro's smirking visage. Chopper just sighed and got out another bandage for the green-clad lump forming on his idol's head. Nami made room for Robin to set up another lawn chair next to her before reading again.

***

_In closing, I wanted to let you know that Kohza has been very apologetic for his part in the civil war, but he has started a new life helping his uncle and a gentleman named Gedatsu-_

_***_

"What the hell? He fell on Arabasta!" Chopper shrieked, clutching his face in _Scream_-like horror.

_***_

_-run a hot springs resort on a nearby island! I visit him often, and it is one of the best baths outside of the palace itself! I also tried your advice, and I think the truth is slowly sinking in to his thick skull. I will send pictures of the ring as soon as he gathers his courage enough to propose. As you have taught me, I will not take ''No," for an answer._

_Forever marked with an "X"_

_Nefertari Vivi_

_***_

"Atta girl! Get the man you want!" Nami crowed, jumping out of the chair with elation. "Plus hot springs make a ton of money! Ah, I envy her."

The five young men on the grass blinked.

"I feel like we've missed something. What would that rebel leader want to propose to Vivi- ah~ah~!" Usopp began, until Sanji covered his mouth with one wet foot while Zoro grabbed Luffy by the scruff of his vest.

"Nami-swan!" Sanji cried, his shoe still lodged in the hole under the sniper's nose. "Does that letter have Kohza's address on it? I imagine Vivi didn't send it to us directly, being a princess and all."

"Huh? Ah yeah, here it is: Ukkari Hot Springs. Why?"

Zoro didn't even bother to glance at Sanji as he began to drag Luffy up the main mast to the crow's nest, Chopper following in squawking indignation as he attempted to finish his bandaging.

"We're writing her a letter. Got any spare stationery?"

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Just to update on Vivi's thoughts on her former crew, and embellish on the hot springs mini-story on the manga's covers. Sorry for the slow updates, I haven't been well this week.


	12. Return to Sender

Title: Recipient not found. Return to sender.

Summary: It was pretty much the response he expected, but still...

* * *

_**YOU SHITTY MOTHERFUCKER.**_

"Kohza, are you ok? You look a bit pale."

"Hmm?" Kohza answered, momentarily distracted from the feeling of impending doom radiating from the papers in his hand. "I'm fine, Vivi, I just got a letter from a...a relative who lives far away. Please, enjoy the baths while I go fix some tea."

Scurrying like the giant sand crab that bussed the visitors from Arabasta, Kohza slipped out of the women's area and made his way to the resort's large kitchen. He avoided the bustling baboons and other hustling staff members, snagging a bottle of tequila as one of the waiters passed him. He was finally able to find a well-lit, private spot by ducking behind numerous sacks of nuts stacked near a window, compliments of the Forest Boss. He made himself comfortable, lit a smoke, and began again.

***

"He wants to do **what** to Vivi? I'll put a _Phoenix Star_ down his throat like his name was Bearsy!"

"Rumble Balls! I want my Rumble Balls!"

"So wait, if he marries Vivi, would he be trying to make her into a horny woman like we were talking about before?"

Sanji sat on Usopp's flailing form and lit a fresh cancer stick as Zoro finished tying up the gnashing, frothing, _Heavy Point _Chopper. The chef was glad that the crow's nest was made of reinforced steel - he was fit to kick his foot through the damn wall otherwise, healing fractures be damned.

"For sweet, noble, well-meaning princesses like Vivi-chan, yes Luffy, you marry them first, then make them horny."

Luffy settled his hat on his head, and started steaming like Puffing Tom, that dead fish expression on his face. Zoro had always meant to ask his captain how the hell he managed to stop the old straw-hat from going up in flames, but he wasn't one to try dealing with his leader when he went Gear Second.

"None of this would have happened if you all had just let me kidnap her like we planned before. At any rate," the swordsman ground out, "what we are each going to do is write the little bastard a small note of **intent**."

Zoro dropped a short table in front of the ero-cook, noting the spot under one steel-lined left heel that kept glowing red. He grunted as he dropped to the other side of the table while Sanji laid out the stationery.

"Aho-cook, you'd better go first before your eccentric ass melts through the floor."

Sanji took the red ink pen, the only one Nami would spare, and began writing.

***

_**YOU SHITTY MOTHERFUCKER**_

_What the right royal fuck-all am I hearing? We ain't even halfway through the Line and you have your beady eyes set on Vivi-chan? May I remind your shitty ass that you started a bloody well _**rebellion**_ that almost robbed her of her family and title? I don't remember your cunt out there getting it up the ass with no lube against Baroque Works' top officers...oh wait, that's because you were _**leading the fucking rebellion for them**_. You jackass. Do you even know her favorite foods?_

_At any rate, if Vivi-chan still wants to be near you, that's fine. Vivi-chan can see the best in people, even sub-human, cretinous wank-offs such as yourself. But if you cause her to shed so much as _**one**_ tear; if I hear so much as_** one**_ sniffle; if she so much as _**sneezes**_ because of you, I will lodge my _**custom-made, steel-soled, size 13, combat shoes**_ so far up your asshole, your descendants five generations on will _**still**_ be tasting leather in the back of their throats, you ass-licking, crotch-sniffing-_

***

Kohza couldn't read any more of the blood red lettering at this point; the rest of the page was badly damaged with a number of scorch marks that looked suspiciously like shoe prints and cigarette burns. He shuddered, took a long swig of the hard liquor, and moved on to the next sheet of paper.

***

"Nice work, will o' wisp. Luffy, can you hold that flaming curlicue down? Usopp, you're next, I still need to think of what I want to say."

***

_Dear Kohza._

_I can understand why you and Vivi would want to be together; as I understand it, you guys were childhood friends, and you've been her hero before. The hero always gets the girl. We just want you to understand how much we love Vivi. I mean, I, the great captain, Usopp, took a four-ton bat to the head for her._

_**NO BLOODY THANKS TO YOU, YOU-**_

_Kohza-kun, this is Sogeking. I endorse your love, but know that I will do to you what I did to that flag if you ever hurt Vivi-sama. Please see my pre-engagement gift enclosed._

***

Kohza swore as he opened the bottom fold of the page. A line of gunpowder made an arrow that pointed straight at his crotch, and a musket ball fell into his lap. Carefully re-folding the page, he set it down as far away as he possibly could from the sunlight streaming through the window, and set the shot on top of it. Before opening the next page, he took another swig of tequila and prayed while the burn in his throat eased.

***

"Zoro, can I go next?"

"Are you calm again, Chopper?"

"Uh-huh, I'm good."

Zoro grunted and untied the small reindeer as Usopp carefully spread glue and gunpowder on his sheet of paper. The swordsman placed the pen in the doctor's hoof, and passed him a fresh sheet.

***

_Dear Kohza-san,_

_Vivi is a wonderful woman, and I know she is very easy to fall in love with. I just know that she has forgiven you, and I'm sure you two will make a lovely couple._

_My gift to you will be free medical advice and services should either of you or your family ever need a doctor's help._

_***_

Kohza sighed in relief. Finally, a nice, supportive letter. He opened the last fold, failing to notice the large bite mark on the side of the sheet.

***

_Just know that I have a 20-point rack of antlers* that I will nestle against your prostate should you do anything to hurt Vivi's feelings._

***

Kohza started drinking the tequila like water, but it no longer had any effect. Really, what was their obsession with lodging objects in his ass? He mechanically moved on to the next sheet of paper.

***

"Chopper, take it out of your mouth. He can't read it if you eat it. Pass the pen too."

"Oi, Zoro, that wound by your temple has opened up again; probably because of those uncontrolled ocular spasms*..."

"I'm fine, Chopper, just gimme the damn pen!"

***

_Kohza._

_Make her happy. Make her your life. Devote yourself to her._

_Or wash behind your neck* and resolve yourself, because I will visit you._

_***_

The sentence ended in a large splotch of deep maroon that looked and smelled like dried blood. Kohza looked at the nigh empty bottle of tequila longingly as he ground out the remains of his cigarette under one fidgeting heel. He didn't even question why he wasn't drunk yet, but he knew he should save the rest for last. He opened the final sheet of paper, already scared witless by the horrendous hand-writing.

***

_If you hurt my nakama, I will send you flying like I did Crocodile. Worse, I'll make you look like the seat of his pants._

***

"Like the seat of his pants? What the hell does that mean, shitty rubber brains?" Sanji asked, having calmed down to the point where he could fry eggs on his bare hands.

"Yeah, what's that about, Luffy?" Usopp added, scratching his head under his bandanna.

"I've heard of flying by the seat of your pants, is this the same?" Chopper asked.

"Seriously, what does that mean?" Zoro groused, peering at the letter as Luffy finished. Luffy fished a large, green booger out of his nose and used it to seal the envelope before responding.

"I told you I beat the crap out of Crocodile and sent him flying, didn't I?"

"Yeah..."

"I really meant every word you know."

His nakama looked at him incredulously, and for once, they all had stars in their eyes.

"Dear God, I think I could love you if you weren't a man."

"This is why I follow you."

"Luffy, you're so damn awesome!"

"Awesome! So awesome!"

"Hey, Nami, tell the message bird we've got one letter to post!"

***

The former rebel drained the tequila, feeling more sober than when he'd cracked the bottle open. He pulled out the engagement ring he'd taken to carrying on his person at all times, a fancy affair made from chunks of gold and diamonds that the Earth Boss had thrown up while digging the tunnel to Yuba. He'd had it fashioned after Vivi's first visit to the baths, and was only waiting for the right time to propose.

Maybe next year. The Straw-hats should be in Raftel by then, too far away to intervene in the wedding.

He hoped.

***

Cobra and Ingram peeked out of the nut sacks after Kohza made a straight dash to the men's room, leaving the letter behind. The two men snatched the pages up and read them eagerly, Pell and Chaka popping their heads through the window to join them.

"Ingram, remind me to up the Straw-hats' allowance as soon as the budget allows," the great king chuckled as he went through the pages.

"Most definitely, Your Highness."

"I think we can spare some pay cuts, King Cobra..."

* * *

_**Author says:**_

Vivi is nakama. I don't think they'll let just anyone marry her.

Cultural reference:

*Wash behind your neck/ears = This historical insult is what I've seen mentioned to people at risk of being executed, particularly by beheading.

*20-point rack of antlers = As far as I can understand it, hunters measure the greatness of a trophy rack in terms of the number of points on the antlers, the width and length of each palm, and many other features. Given Chopper's _Horn Point _form, he has a pretty impressive rack (snortgigglesnort).

*Uncontrolled ocular spasms = Nervous eye tic, the sort he gets three seconds before fighting with Sanji.


	13. Notorious

Title: Notorious

Summary: The World Government has other reasons to hunt the Straw-hats thanks to these two.

* * *

"Psst!"

Nami heard the hiss issue forth from the hole that lead to the Soldier Docks as she crossed the lawn, an alcohol-laden, banana-mikan daiquiri in one hand, a roll of charts in the other. She casually glanced around at the rest of the crew. It was almost lunch-time, which meant that almost everyone was preoccupied: Luffy, Chopper, and Brook were busy banging on the galley door; Sanji was thoroughly engaged in the defense of his precious meal till the very last second of preparation; Zoro was still on his 15th set of tricep extensions; Robin was ensconced in the library translating another ancient text, leaving Franky and Usopp unaccounted for.

"Nami-sis, you okay?"

The cyan cyborg in question was coming up the ladder that led to the underbelly of the ship, easily scaling the ladder and hopping onto the main deck. Nami smiled warmly,which was slightly unnerving, but Franky was confident that he hadn't incurred any more debt. He'd learned about her predatory lending services the first time she'd suggested a game of poker; he wouldn't be falling vistim to his macho bravado again any time soon.

"Hey, Franky! I think lunch is almost ready. Is Usopp downstairs?"

"Nose-bro's squirreled himself away in his workshop most of the night, even though we've cleaned up after Bones-bro. I called him a while ago, he said he was coming in a sec, but you know how he is when he's inventing something."

Nami nodded absently as she downed her cocktail. She was well aware of how engrossed the sniper could become when he was concocting something. However, she nearly had a heart attack at Franky's next words.

"Maybe I should go down and get him-"

Nami gave the metal-inlaid man a loving slap on the back that nearly knocked the cola out of his stomach-fridge. Seriously, how the hell did such skinny wrists connect with such power?

"Nah, I'll go get him, Franky. You go on and get lunch," she encouraged him with false cheer, ignoring the fact that the man had almost become a soda vending machine. Pushing him none too gently across the lawn, Franky finally got the hint, and sent his condolences to Usopp's parents for leaving him to the orange-haired woman's cruel hands.

"Hey Cook-bro, open up man!"

***

Nami's knuckles rapped on Usopp's factory door three times, paused, then rapped seven times. The door was opened just the barest minimum to allow the navigator to slip into the room.

"Took you long enough," Usopp grumbled, clumping back to the depths of the workshop.

"Is it ready?" Nami asked breathlessly, the strong lantern light creating a halo around her head. The sniper didn't bother to answer, simply wiggling his fingers to encourage her to venture deeper. They stopped by a large machine that looked like a printing press.

"It's a good thing I got Franky to salvage this machine for me. It's the only one perfect for the job."

"Franky? Shit, does he know what we're up to? Those idiots will just go wild if they know-"

"Relax. I told him that I needed it to make prints of my drawings, so I can sell them when we hit the archipelago."

"Are you sure this is going to work?"

"Watch this."

Usopp grabbed a handle on the machine, and manfully began to crank it. It was hard going at first, but soon the press was moving smoothly. He stopped cranking after a small sheet of paper came out, which he presented to Nami with a smug grin on his face. The orange-haired navigator drew a similar sheet of paper out of her bosom and compared it to the crisp new print. A slow, self-satisfied Chesire cat grin grew on her face, as she carefully placed both sheets back into her bra. Grabbing the sniper's head, she planted a solid kiss on his mouth, not caring one bit as he spat and wiped her gloss off vigorously while muttering about Kaya.

"This plate is even better than the first ones you did! Consider your debt reduced by 40%!"

Usopp thanked the heavenly powers above that his inventive mind and artistic skill might actually allow him to hold on to real money before he died, as Nami sauntered back out of his domain, beri signs in her eyes.

At the very least, his carpal tunnel would get better.

***

Sengoku looked at the beri bills in his hands, sighing loudly as he **still** couldn't tell which one was real and which was fake.

"Which one is the blasted counterfeit?" he snapped at the distinguished elderly woman in front of him, dark eyes flashing in fury.

Vice Admiral Tsuru used her devil fruit ability to wash and hang out the bills. One was slightly faded, while the other was still as vibrant as it was before she had rinsed them. There was no other difference, not even in the position and clarity of the watermark. Sengoku peered at the bills, even taking off his glasses to eye them closely, before coming to a conclusion.

"It's the one that's still got its color, isn't it."

Tsuru smirked and nodded. An exceptionally perceptive man like the Fleet Admiral would guess the difference, but the average person, marine or otherwise, would expect that the real money would hold up better under water. Sengoku leaned back in his chair and rubbed his forehead. A new problem to consider was the **last** thing he needed right now.

"How long have we been seeing these counterfeits in circulation?"

"Well, those bills you just saw were both from marines on Smoker's ship just before he entered the line, so Loguetown would be a good guess. There was a batch taken from a remote village in East Blue named Syrop a few years ago, and then they've also been seen in Arabasta, Mocktown, and Water 7. Never in noticeable quantities, but there has been a slight increase in the money supply as a result."

Sengoku plotted the points in his head, and cursed silently.

"Garp's benighted grandson has passed through almost of those places in the past few months. I'm certain it's connected with those damn Straw-hats! At least they don't seem to have a printing press going, or else they'd really be notorious!"

***

* * *

_**Author says:**_

I've always wondered what money Usopp had to survive on since his mother's death, so I came up with my own explanation. Naturally, Nami would sniff out anything money-related and turn it to her advantage.


	14. D Dreams

Title: D. Dreams of a Captain.

Summary: What do those who carry the Will of D. dream about? IS this why he doesn't have nightmares?

* * *

He always had this dream; every night, with the same startling clarity. The details he remembered were always different, but he knew that the dream was the same.

It always started off with him in the dark, but that was alright. It wasn't as if the dark was scary, just sort of warm and...cozy. He knew in his gut that he was naked, but it didn't matter much. Clothes were a nuisance anyway.

Eventually a pinpoint of light would appear in the distance, growing clearer and warmer as he marched towards it. He was always marching forward in his clumsy, yet surefooted manner - legs straight out, swinging loosely through the motions of left, right, left. The light would soon consume everything; blindingly, beautifully bright, so bright that he would shout with pain and joy in equal measure.

Through this brightest of lights, he could sense Important People: Shanks, his father, his grandfather, Ace. Sometimes they were in front of him, sometimes behind him. Ace was almost always next to him, not touching, but nice and close. At some point, he would be holding onto Shanks' left hand, pulling the older pirate captain along, even though the light was too bright to see anything but that left arm. Sometimes, he would cry a little; it was the feeling of that arm next to him, hairy and solid and oozing safety.

Then suddenly, he would find himself alone; but this didn't stop him, nor his easy, not-march march forward. Because when he was alone, he found a Dream.

The light would soften to the glare of the morning sun, and he could see himself clothed, holding a Treasure. He would place the Treasure safely on his head, not even pausing in the process.

***

In the sunshine, he would start to look for...he wasn't sure what. Someone. Yes, _someones_. Particular _someones_.

And suddenly, the First One was there.

And it was good. It was good like grass and leaves and lizard scales. It was dependable and renewable and indefatigable. Like him, the First One had a Treasure and a Dream. The First One ambled next to him, at his right hand. He liked the First's presence _right there._

He and the First One would soon be joined by the Second One. The Second One was also good. Good like lazy, sunny afternoons playing chess while eating fruit and dreaming of treasure. The Second One also had a Dream and a Treasure. The Second would skip right behind his left shoulder, now very close and invigorating, now further back and reassuring. This is where the Second One should always be, he would think happily.

***

The Third One and Fourth One would join soon after. The Third One was good, like grilled fish and warm, autumn evenings around a fireplace telling stories and laughing. The Fourth One was good like the fire in the fireplace cooking the fish and warming everyone, even while it hissed and spit everywhere, demanding care and attention.

They too had Dreams and Treasures.

The Third would stump about next to the Second, shoulder to shoulder like lost twins. This was good, because they kept each other safe. The Third would tell stories in his right ear, while the Second would guide him in the other ear.

The Fourth One would slink along his left side, shouting insults to himself, the First, and the Third, all while simpering to the Second One in the same breath. The Fourth's presence was hot and surprisingly heavy against his shoulder, like they carried the same burden of important ones damaged or lost. In fact, they all carried that burden; lost, left behind survivors of life and its vagaries and cruelty. They could sense it all in each others' steps and fights and tears and laughter and-

And it was painful, yet good, so good that it was now Nakama. The word would build a fury in their chests as they screamed it and their Dreams to the sky!

Nakama! To the Grand Line!

***

The light would shift now. It was nearly afternoon.

He would now take notice of the ground he walked on. The not-ground ground. It was blue.

He and the Nakama would travel this blue ground up sheer cliffs and into wide expanses. They would meet the Fifth One, who would trot behind the First One, eagerly listening to everything and laughing loudly, as if to make up for rarely laughing before. The Fifth would pursue a Dream with a Treasure perched over wide eyes. An echo of himself. For the Fifth One was also an evil, with a pirate as an adoptive father who lost much through childish folly.

Then they would truly acknowledge the almost-Nakama.

The almost-Nakama was large in their life, being the first person other than themselves that they would fight for, tooth and nail. The almost-Nakama fell in to the left of the Second One, and behind the Fourth One; all worries evident in hurried steps and frantic whispers. The almost-Nakama was close enough for any of the Nakama to reach and comfort, until they solved the plaguing worries permanently. Then, like smoke, the almost-Nakama was whisked away, passing through their clutching hands like so many grains of sand.

He still scratched the spot on his left arm sometimes. It was faded, but when he scratched it, the X would stand up proudly in faintly red scar tissue.

***

The Sixth One would slide right into the same spot the almost-Nakama had retired from. Somehow, the Sixth One was always in the shadows, lurking along with them; light footsteps barely echoing theirs, Treasure and Dream deeply wreathed in darkness. Yet they sensed and acknowledged the presence, even when the Sixth One wanted to hide and cast them away, for their sake.

As the Sixth One turned treacherous on them, the Third One lost a Treasure. The pain led to the Third One biting and clawing away from them as well.

He let that One go. He would not chain anyone that wanted to be free.

He never knew freedom could feel so heavy. For the first time ever, they would stop marching forward.

***

Two almost-Nakama came in the place of the One that Left. These almost-Nakama felt very familiar, if difficult to recognize, and fit in place with the Nakama very well. These almost-Nakama felt surprisingly...right.

Now, the Sixth One could not try to hide from him. He would never ever let Nakama slip away again, like the almost-Nakama and the Third One had. He would hold them all tightly in his fists and never let them go.

He would save them. All of them. And this time, they would scream the word with a defiance that would break down towers, open gates, and demolish bridges.

Nakama!

***

In the process, he would recognize an almost-Nakama as the Seventh One.

The Seventh strutted on the left, reeled in and positioned by the Sixth. The Seventh was loud and boisterous, skilled with hands and eyes, a weapon for a body and a heart as good as gold. The Seventh made the blue ground seemed smoother under everyone's feet, a part of that one's Dream and Treasure already in effect.

And the One that Left would return to become the Third One once more. Chastened and broken, the Third would take the place of the other almost-Nakama; although at times, he could feel that almost-Nakama just out of range of perception behind the Third One, waiting to help.

This meant that all was right with the Dream, once more.

The Nakama marched forward again.

***

The shadows were lengthening. Evening was beginning.

As the sky became golden, the Eighth One sashayed into place next to the First's right side. The Eighth twirled and frolicked, happy for company and recognition that Treasure and Dream were not dead during a wait that none of them could imagine, but all wanted to end.

And with that, the cry of Nakama grew even stronger, swelling and cresting beyond their feeble bodies into the very air that surrounded them.

Even though he knew that night was approaching; a dark, callous night that would feel cold, lonely, and endless, he could already sense It. He could feel that the Ninth One was huddling in that darkness, trapped and waiting for rescue.

Rescue by his approaching Nakama.

***

Luffy twitched in his sleep again, bound to the ship's prow by strong knots that took nimble fingers to undo.

"What the hell does that rubbery idiot dream of?" Sanji wondered aloud, sitting to the left of the drooling captain while he took an after-dinner smoking break.

"Who even wants to know? We couldn't understand it even if he showed us in live action color," Zoro answered sleepily, slouching on the deck to the right of Luffy's prone body, swords propped up against his left shoulder.

"If we weren't here to tie him down, the fool would be overboard for sure," Nami growled as she and Usopp made the fearless rubber man fast to the ship's sunny lion figurehead.

"That reminds me of the time I, the great Captain Usopp, fell overboard during the worst typhoon in history, and had to tame a pod of ferocious giant orca to get back to my ship!"

"Ah! So cool, Usopp!" Chopper exclaimed excitedly, pausing momentarily to snip one of Zoro's bandages while the swordsman grumbled something about that just happening last week with porpoises.

"Fu, fu, fu, I see Mr. Captain is already asleep tonight. Tomorrow will probably be a rather exciting day," Robin noted lightly, drawing next to Nami as she lent an extra four pairs of hands to the knotting process.

"Ow! I am extra funky this week! I made some changes to the aquarium bar that make the acoustics totally SUPA!"

"Indeed, Franky-san, this requires an audience to appreciate it!" Brook cried out in delight as he and the cyborg burst out into the waning sunlight from the aquarium bar. Luffy stirred slightly, then rolled on to his back, stretching his arms into obscene positions as he ruined the knots that held him down. The crew tried not to wail in frustration as the arms started looping and curling around them.

"Mmph, rhugf. Na..kama. Better than...meat."

The drooling, snoring rubber idiot grinned, and nobody on the Thousand Sunny could hide the smile returned from deep in his or her soul.

Because they were Nakama, after all.

* * *

_**Author says:**_

That's all she wrote! Approximately two weeks on the Thousand Sunny, with all the madness that entails. I am glad so many people enjoyed it, please feel free to review so my next set of short stories can be better! I know I need to improve, and your reviews help me to do so.

Until the Whitebeard War is done...


End file.
